1) Hiding affiiliate and commercial advertising sales pages in tiny “I have to do it because i only got 140 characters” bit.ly url masking and shortening links. Someone will write something sort of appealing, using the language to say everything and nothing all at once, with a tiny, innocuous little hyperlink which could and usually does lead to clickbank hell.

2) Building your Friendbase- For every 100 people you follow on twitter, you automatically lose one real future potential friend from the real world. Sorry, that’s just the Karmic rules, I don’t make them.

3) Republishing your crappy content from your blog- most twitter profiles are simply a list of post titles from a crappy rss feed which is just a list of post titles and snippets from a crappy blog which is just a list of contents frmo a crappy content plugins which is just a list of contents rearranged from some crappy blog which is just a list of ….

4) Try to legitimise tweeting by holding “events” just like wot the real media doze. Live tweetathons (if this word makes it into oxford dictionary I will probably committ the final act) where losers gather together all at once and share their spammy horridness in bursts of 140 characters or less.

5) Follow a real professional, such as a working paid journalist or a TV producer, who only has a twitter account because some liberal thinking bisexual PR guy in the office convinced the closet gay boss that it would be “forward thinking” to force them on staff, and harass him with your pathetic ideas for his job/content/series/column

6) Open a twitter account for your company, so that everyone is obliged to sign up and follow your company tweets, in the name of “better communication”, when everyone is just wondering why email is suddenly not good enough (and guess what- you aren’t limited to 140 characters in an email. Try saying “I’m hoping we can increase revenues this year, I need extra effort from all of you, the figure we absolutely must reach is..” oops, 141 characters. Very productive.

7) Monitor the tweetosphere (I vomit a little in my mouth putting such words to voice) for talk about your brand. Create a new salaried position for this, take funds away from real jobs like sales. Wonder why sales drop.

Hire people. We all know the best most driven and qualified potential staff will spend all day on twitter looking for jobs. Its a no brainer.

9) Offer free useless pieces of shite- if anyone accidentally follows you, be sure to fill their inbox full of free ebooks (real value: $15950305m) which have been circulating in one form or another since AOL floppy disks arrived on the scene, and retain about as much practical value- although at least I can sell my old AOL floppies unlike your useless ebooks)

10) Make anyone not using twitter feel like a loser. This is just like peer pressure to smoke, drink or take drugs. You know you made a mistake starting to smoke. You wish you hadnt. You did it because you wanted to be cool. But now you’re stuck, if you back down too soon youll have to admit a mistake and well, everyone else is smoking so what’s the big deal? Quickly convince all your friends to smoke too, then you wont feel so bad.

http://www.inquisitr.com/21466/if-homers-odyssey-was-written-on-twitter/

I think these links speak for themselves, don’t you?

Unfortunately, the doubt doesn’t usually last long. Or at least, not long enough to actually force some considered thinking (as this would inevitably result in a change of plan for all but the most moronic of humans). Bloggers who experience this blog-anxiety have come up with a ruse to ensure, much like the lesser well-thought out aspects to Scientology, the anxiety gets quickly and quietly swept under the nearest carpet.

BLOGCONS, or Blogger conferences, or blogging conferences, were created to bring bloggers together so they can, er, well.. to bring them together. You’re familiar with the idea of the industry conference- car conferences, marketing conferences, sales conferences. These are typically created by sponsors with an active interest in the field or industry in question- and nice luncheons are put on, qualified speakers may entertain or education the gathering and quite often all and sundry are put up in a nice hotel for a weekend.

Blogging conferences differ just slightly from this. Blogger conferences tend not to be created by sponsors but rather by the bloggers themselves. Rather than hotels, they tend to meet at bus stops. Rather than nice luncheons, they tend to eat in MacDonalds (free wireless- awesome man!). Rather than qualified speakers educating and entertaining the group, a blogger will show you slide shows of his blog and tell you what you could have gathered in the nanosecond of glimpsing at said pictures, except he will make it last about 45 minutes and will be so shy, or so loud and over the top, that either way you will tune out his voice within 3.456 seconds and instead concentrate on the quiet ringing sound your ears make whenever you breathe in or out sharply.

The main reason for BLOGCONS is to reinforce the delusions that bloggers suffer from: that what they spend their time doing is (a) important, (b) worthwhile, (c) admirable and (d) profitable. It helps stave off the uncomfortable reality of things just a few months longer.

It’s so easy to change the overall look and feel of a blog that many bloggers change it every other hour. Psychologists have debated if this is due to bloggers having tortured-genius minds suffering from ADHD or just that they are total wankers. The jury is out. But one thing is for sure -  the excitement never ends when there are 4 000 000 000 wordpress themes to choose from.

Changing the look of your blog is yet another scam artist way to try to get another trickle of traffic to your blog. It’s the perfect excuse to write a newsletter to anyone foolish enough to have ever entered their real email address into your blog. “Hi I’m Simpson Brackle from blogs-kill-puppies.com and I just wanted to let you know we’ve changed our blog design to better help you navigate through the mind numbingly shallow posts on budgeting for your first pet hamster..”

That’s another thing. Use of the royal “we”. Who is this “we”? Multiple personality disorder?

Blogging, in practice, has become a synonym for masturbation.  It’s unphilosophical, materialistic navel gazing with no goal other than to comfort the ego either by elevating the bloggers own sense of self worth (low by default) or by elevating the balance of his bank account via the same means. But in reality less than 1% of bloggers make any money worth writing home about. And they wouldn’t have to write home, they are already at home. Their mothers’ home.

Here’s a short list of legitimate professions, which took me 0.00023 nano seconds to think of:

- Doctor

- Teacher

- Banker

- Musician

Here is a list of all the professions which people really really wish were professions but are actually just bullshit hobbies:

- Blogging

- Actually just blogging

Well, you’re not fooling me, bloggers. Enjoy it now while it lasts, because eventually the whole world will wake up and realise that just because something is written on the internet, this does not necessarily mean it is worth reading.

Unfortunately, blogs necessarily gave rise to bloggers. Bloggers are a weird breed. They come in all shapes and flavours- the high school kid who wants to document his daily thoughts while wishing the class to end quicker or the executive of a large conglomerate hoping to make his faceless company that little bit more personal by sharing what he had for breakfast. There is one thing all these “people” have in common- huge, massive, out-of-touch-with-reality sized egos. And I really, really hate them.