IHateBloggers.com

Before we had blogging, ‘bloggers’ (or as they were known back in those simpler times- “losers”) who wished to make money on a freelance or self-employed basis would frequently have to go through the following steps. Completing these steps transformed a “loser” into a “productive member of society”.

- Choose a subject you are not absolutely terrible at (probably the hardest step).

- Go to school and ensure you gain the required grades or GPA to take this subject again at a college or university.

- Get a degree or further education in that topic.

- Make a name for yourself, get some experience and then legitimately call yourself a “consultant” in your subject. Normally of course, you would require some long term experience before you could get to this stage. My father practiced his skills in the military for some 20 years before transferring these to a business career, and at the experienced age of 50 finally felt confident enough to put the word “consultant” on his business cards. People respected him and his experience.

However, nowadays, you’ll be delighted to hear that this process is rather more simple. Here’ how you get started. Completing these steps does not, I’m afraid to report, necessarily transform you into a productive member of anything.

- Type “wordpress” into your nearest internet browser, preferably via google.

- Read the first half of the first few sentences, in between finishing your donuts.

- Buy some more donuts.

- Try to remember what it was you were doing. Ah yes- “wordpress”.

- Start writing a blog.

- Buy some business cards and put the word “consultant” on them. You’re an instant expert (TM).

This Instant Expert (TM) should really be a patented registered trade mark of wordpress and Automattic Inc. Inadvertently, they have managed to create a way to avoid years and years of hard work and learning. Forget experience or qualifications- anyone can learn how to install a plugin, read a newbie guide to SEO and blog marketing and “Hey- Presto!” you’re a consultant.

 Results 1 - 10 of about 2,360,000 for blogging consultant. (0.37 seconds)

KILL ME NOW.

Bloggers having completed these steps frequently encounter a new problem. What exactly can they charge for? Especially considering they don’t know anything. Typically, if you browse through these search results for similar keywords, you will find that bloggers are charging for “strategizing phone calls”. For fun, I want to give one a try. Maybe if this site ever makes money (doubt it since I don’t have any ads on it- I’ll have to ask a “consultant” I guess) I will invest some in paying for one such phone call. I suspect what this entails is listening to a semi-literate man-ape read you a point by point top ten list from a website such as digitalpoint.

If interviewing yourself on your own blog wasn’t enough to make you feel like your father was wrong all along, another technique that was spotted by our very own antiblogger Mr. DJB (given a secret spy name for your own protection, his name really is hideous) this week is that of a famous blogger attending his own fabricated blogging press conference.

No awards will be given to those who work out who was the sole focus of any and all attention from the pretend-media and pretend-tv crews who attended this pretend-press conference. Yup- just the blogger himself.

So if interviewing yourself fails, and if fabcricating and attending your own press conference and diligently writing out the full transcript of it on your blog fails to make you feel special, I suggest you jump straight to changing your name to “The King of The Universe”.

Bloggers often love to show how brilliant they are when compared to other bloggers by proudly proclaiming, usually in their blog tagline, what particular phrase they rank very highly for in google, yahoo and other search engines. Mainly google. So, without further ado, I proudly state that:

You need to read this blog because I rank number 1 for “dogs pubic hair” in google search results!

(actually true at time of writing)

I don’t need to tell you this but this was entirely deliberate on my part. I wanted to prove how exceptionally brilliant I am as a blogger and how I know many, many secrets for SEO and blogging that you could never possibly learn even if I was to write it in a list of 10 simple points. I started this blog 3 seconds ago and already I rank number one for dogs pubic hair in google.

(Usually at this point the blogger will tell you how you can also learn how to rank number one for your blog, except instead of some entirely useless and grammatically incorrect phrase, for a real money maker like “make money online” or somesuch).

So, do you want to learn the secrets to ranking number 1 for dogs pubic hair online? I’ll tell you, all you have to do is pay me $500 and buy my special exclusive ebook which is all of 4 pages long and written by me in between playing world of warcraft!

BUT WAIT!

Buy NOW to take advantage of our “crazy happy hour” where we’ll also provide you with enough useless downloads to last you a whole ten minutes of wasted reading time. You’ll hate us so much for making you excited enough to read through all this crap that you’ll probably want to punch your wall but don’t worry, if you put your email address into this online form I’ll send you a free subscription to anger management online blog.

And so on ad nauseam. God I hate bloggers.

If you ever actually have to read a blog, you’ll notice how difficult it is, even though it is normally just a list of ten “top tips” or soundbites. This is because it was written by someone who started off with English not being his first language, and was then instructed (probably for about $3 per hour) to repeat the main topic of the blog as many times as humanly possible within the text. I’ll give you an example, from a blog about how to make money using wordpress:

“Making money using WordPress: A guide for wordpress users to make money (using wordpress). WordPress users who want to make money using wordpress would do well to read this guide on making money using wordpress! WordPress gives you the potential to make money using wordpress. I make money using wordpress on my blog and you can also make money using wordpress by reading my guide on how to make money using wordpress. Without much further ado I want to show you the top ten ways you can make money using wordpress…”

They do this because they think the people who run google are complete idiots and wouldn’t bother to pay some harvard physics graduate a million dollars an hour to come up with complicated yet elegant (no doubt) mathematics to prevent this sort of nonsense from helping their blog become ranked higher for people searching for “make money using wordpress.”

Yet, even though google people turn out to be pretty ingelligent, the bloggers know best and so they continue to stuff their blogs full of “keywords” in offensive ways that make reading anything on the internet akin to knawing on your own big toe – tasteless, painful and ultimately a turn off.