IHateBloggers.com

Despite the website claiming twittering or tweeting tweets is supposed to be about answering the questions “What are you doing?”, a more accurate and honest description of the commonly asked question would be “What crap are you shovelling today?”.

1) Hiding affiiliate and commercial advertising sales pages in tiny “I have to do it because i only got 140 characters” bit.ly url masking and shortening links. Someone will write something sort of appealing, using the language to say everything and nothing all at once, with a tiny, innocuous little hyperlink which could and usually does lead to clickbank hell.

2) Building your Friendbase- For every 100 people you follow on twitter, you automatically lose one real future potential friend from the real world. Sorry, that’s just the Karmic rules, I don’t make them.

3) Republishing your crappy content from your blog- most twitter profiles are simply a list of post titles from a crappy rss feed which is just a list of post titles and snippets from a crappy blog which is just a list of contents frmo a crappy content plugins which is just a list of contents rearranged from some crappy blog which is just a list of ….

4) Try to legitimise tweeting by holding “events” just like wot the real media doze. Live tweetathons (if this word makes it into oxford dictionary I will probably committ the final act) where losers gather together all at once and share their spammy horridness in bursts of 140 characters or less.

5) Follow a real professional, such as a working paid journalist or a TV producer, who only has a twitter account because some liberal thinking bisexual PR guy in the office convinced the closet gay boss that it would be “forward thinking” to force them on staff, and harass him with your pathetic ideas for his job/content/series/column

6) Open a twitter account for your company, so that everyone is obliged to sign up and follow your company tweets, in the name of “better communication”, when everyone is just wondering why email is suddenly not good enough (and guess what- you aren’t limited to 140 characters in an email. Try saying “I’m hoping we can increase revenues this year, I need extra effort from all of you, the figure we absolutely must reach is..” oops, 141 characters. Very productive.

7) Monitor the tweetosphere (I vomit a little in my mouth putting such words to voice) for talk about your brand. Create a new salaried position for this, take funds away from real jobs like sales. Wonder why sales drop.

Hire people. We all know the best most driven and qualified potential staff will spend all day on twitter looking for jobs. Its a no brainer.

9) Offer free useless pieces of shite- if anyone accidentally follows you, be sure to fill their inbox full of free ebooks (real value: $15950305m) which have been circulating in one form or another since AOL floppy disks arrived on the scene, and retain about as much practical value- although at least I can sell my old AOL floppies unlike your useless ebooks)

10) Make anyone not using twitter feel like a loser. This is just like peer pressure to smoke, drink or take drugs. You know you made a mistake starting to smoke. You wish you hadnt. You did it because you wanted to be cool. But now you’re stuck, if you back down too soon youll have to admit a mistake and well, everyone else is smoking so what’s the big deal? Quickly convince all your friends to smoke too, then you wont feel so bad.